& then what.....
Since I posted the video a few nights ago some of you have reached out to me asking for prayers, for strength, for guidance, and some for answers that I just can’t quite give to you. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. I don’t have them, so even if I wanted to help all I can really do is pray and advise you to do the same.
I have two blogs I have been working on that I have been struggling to finish for over a month now. The stories are about two of my most favorite people who ever graced my life. Both of which were taken from me at a young age. So I am struggling with them as the emotions that comes from writing them come out of me like a flood gate has been opened.
Eventually I will finish them, the voice of reason, my Mother always seems to resonate during my struggle with them – “In God’s time Rebecca…..” so I go to them, I read them, then I cry or hurt, and have to stop, pray and ask that God takes what I am feeling so that I can handle finishing reading what is in front of me.
Often enough it softens the blow and I am able to continue. Each time has gotten a fraction of a bit easier, but none the less the emotions are still pretty raw in those two areas. Plus it is also parts of my life that very few even know anything about. If you weren’t around during those times to see the aftermath endured, you can’t possibly know much about it.
However, I am getting there…..Slowly….but each time I touch on either moment in my life I find strength I didn’t even know I had. One of them has been gone 27 years, and the other 22 years. Looking at those numbers sends a shiver down my spine, it is hard to believe they have both been gone so long. Some days it feels like only yesterday…..
Eventually I will finish those two portions of my life, my point in all of this is to show each of you that I also struggle on the other side of this just as much as all of you. Writing comes naturally to me, writing about my raw emotions and feelings is not something I am accustomed to so it has taken some adjusting on my part.
In the mean time I have started receiving "Fan Mail" from those of you that have been avidly following my blog. With her permission I asked to be allowed to include the letter that was written to me in my blog, and she agreed as long as I didn’t sign the letter showing her entire name.
I want to share it with you now:
I want you to know that I am not actually even a friend of yours. I don’t honestly even know if we have ever met in real life, or if you would even recognize me if I passed you on the sidewalk. I stumbled upon your blog because a friend of mine shared your “A Dyke with a Servant’s Heart” blog in a Mom Group I am in. I will be honest, when I saw the title I rolled my eyes and wondered what kind of crazy you might be drinking with your morning coffee.
Then I fell in love. Not with you, don’t take that the wrong way. I mean I did, but I didn’t. I fell in love with your story. You! Immediately after finishing your blog I wanted to read more about you, I felt compelled to know more. I was excited to find that there were even MORE blogs about you out there and I chose to BINGE read them! Yep, I totally Fan Girl’d you something fierce.
I read until there was no more to read. I laughed, I cried, I wept, I sobbed, I giggled, I prayed, and sometimes I would just hold my chest as I read because my heart was literally aching for you. The strength you have is incredible Rebecca. The ability to persevere is truly amazing. I am not sure we have ever truly even met in real life, but even still I feel like I know you.
I relate to you, to your stories, your feelings, your thoughts, it is AWESOME and refreshing to find someone that is not only humble, but honest in how she portrays herself and her story. Thank You for that.
I’ve followed you ever since that day, and I just want you to know how blessed I feel that God put us in one another’s lives. Your strength and ability to hold strong have inspired me over and over again. You truly are an amazing woman. THANK YOU FOR SHARING your story with the rest of us, you have truly touched my life in more ways than I can even begin to count.
I truly hope to one day meet you in REAL life!
Your friend in Christ,
Now I had to take a minute and compose myself when I finished reading her letter. God must have just known I NEEDED to hear her words that morning. It was one of THOSE mornings.
The kind that sneak up on you when you least expect them. The ones where every single thing we do seems like a struggle. Yeah, I was there, and then I get an alert with this message.
At first I just disregarded it and didn’t do much in the way of trying to read it, but the alert went off sometime shortly again. I remember letting out a loud sigh and saying, “Okay God, I hear you, loud and clear.” Then I read her message.
I was in tears two paragraphs in and asking God to give me the strength to make it through to the end through tear stained cheeks. You see – I struggle too. Just like everyone else. The internet is sometimes deceiving because it leads us to believe what we can see with our eyes, but not necessarily hear with our own ears.
You pull perceptions from my writings and believe that I am strong and able to handle even the roughest of days with poise and class. Well let us be honest shall we – that my friends would be a bold faced lie.
I won’t ever stand in front of any of you and PRETEND to know precisely what your feeling or going through, but I can stand in front of you, look you in the eye and promise you that I do relate in more ways than you can probably even begin to understand.
I may not have been in the same exact situation, or walked the same line as some of you, but I have endured MANY of my own struggles, failures, self-doubt moments, and days where I have felt utterly defeated.
I have stood in my bedroom after my Littles have gone to sleep looking in the mirror at my reflection and not even recognizing the woman standing before me. Scared to look myself in the eye for fear that I would have to admit to myself that I did NOT protect my inner little girl and I had failed her in every way shape and form. I didn’t want to tell that part of myself that I had FAILED, and not just badly, miserably!
I have woken up in the morning to find my heart shattered in a million pieces on the bedroom floor, and rather than deal with it, I stepped over it and would leave it for another time when I could better prepare myself to handle the damage that would come from having to pick them all back up. Scared to death that if I moved or breathed the wrong way what pieces were salvagable might just slip away.
I have had to re-program my body to sleep alone instead of next to someone, and then my head to shut that SAME person out so that I can live somewhat of a productive life. It is not to say that it hasn’t or doesn’t creep up when I least expect it, because believe me it most certainly does some times.
I’ve stood at my kitchen sink when the emotions have overwhelmed me so fast it felt like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. I’ve sat on my deck more nights than I can count fighting for air in between sobs that ALMOST consumed me. I’ve cried more mornings & more nights in the shower than I will ever care to admit, but at the end of the day it was ALL part of it.
No, I wasn’t always strong, or courageous, or felt like I had it together.
Some days it felt like I was barely holding it together at all….but I made it. Even in the moments when I thought I wasn’t ever going to come back from what I was experiencing or facing, I PUSHED THROUGH.
You see we hold on because we are either told we should, we feel like we should, or we are made to believe there is some reason not to let go. In the end who are we really hurting for?
Let me explain.
Recently my daughter said the most amazing thing to me, and it took it coming from her for me to FINALLY get it. For me to FINALLY grasp it in all its entirety. She said, “They call it a break up for a reason Mom, ITS BROKEN. That means there is NO fixing it!”
At first I was upset that she would even say something like that to me, and then the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right.
Once the blinders came off, and I backed myself away from where I had been patiently standing it all made perfect sense.
Now in the same breath, Kyle Cease – who is hilarious, wonderful, and literally makes you GET IT TOGETHER and get over yourself – once said, “He/She didn’t break your heart – They BROKE your expectations.”
Yes, you read that correctly. Now I will repeat that for you.
“HE/SHE DIDN’T BREAK YOUR HEART – THEY BROKE YOUR EXPECTATIONS!”
Yes Sir! Praise Jesus! All of the sudden there was a man in this world that I could relate to that understood the VERY thing that I was going through! Holy Hannah – It was about time!
So between Mickayla and Kyle Cease the image of what was, what was to be, and what would never be again became CRYSTAL CLEAR. I made a CHOICE – and I continue making the same choices each morning when I open my eyes.
I could have walked away from the place I was in full of anger, resentment, hurt, all while pointing fingers and blame. I just didn’t want to live there anymore. I had worked SO hard to get to where I was at, and going BACKWARDS wasn’t an option.
So yes you read A LOT about my decisions to hand a lot of what I am feeling over to God, and about letting go. Don’t ever think for a single second that it didn’t take some refining on my end. TRUST is a VERY fragile thing, and after being told a 100 left hand promises that all shattered in a single moment – Trusting in ANYTHING wasn’t something I was the absolute best at.
However, I had to TRUST that God had my back, and that both of his hands were on the wheel. That my destination was pointed to wherever I was going because HE WAS leading the way. At the end of the day if he is the ONLY man in my entire life that I EVER trusted that hasn’t let me down, I was going to be ok with that.
Now I want to touch base on a few things before we move on, especially since a ton of you have recently reached out to me to let me know your experiencing things you just aren't certain you can break free from.
YOU are in control of your entire situation. IF someone is leading you on, telling you bits and fractions of things that don’t make sense to string you along so that you stay committed to them in the hopes that you will still be around when they are done playing their games – MOVE ON.
Certain people run around plastering the phrase “We met for a reason, you are either a lesson or a blessing. You choose which one suits you best.” I’ve seen it more in the past few weeks cross my news feed than I care to admit. STOP IT.
Especially those of you that are newly broken up and posting it submissively towards your Ex. You may think you are fooling everyone, but you are only fooling yourself. So please know your worth, and just do NOT post ANYTHING when your in an emotional battle between your head and your heart.
Unless of course it is a cookie recipe, cookies or pie are your only safe bets after a break up.
If it is a really messy break up – Maybe a shot recipe or two, but none of the submissive meme’s please.
It is just….just NO. Please just don’t.
My point in all of this is that just because you do NOT see the struggle behind the scenes doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Each day it gets better, with each passing moment I get stronger, and the more time that goes on I find the importance in truly loving ME first.
Many of you asked what I’ve been doing and the answer is simple, I LOVE ME.
Really, truly, whole-heartedly LOVE ME. It is one hell of a place to be in, and I certainly recommend it to EVERYONE.
FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF!
Even the worst version of who you are, and then strive to BE BETTER! DO BETTER! BECOME BETTER!
Then watch what happens…..YOU. BECOME. UNSTOPPABLE.
Now I will tell you why I’m different.
The answer is simple really, I let go, and I STILL BELIEVE.
Even though the craziest of moments and experiences crossed my path, I STILL BELIEVE in that one true blue made for me by God’s own hand person. I have no way of knowing if it will even be in this lifetime that I get to experience that absolutely extraordinary type Love, but it certainly doesn't stop me from believing!
What I can tell you is I have not a single regret, not a one. I gave the VERY BEST parts of me to people that most certainly never deserved them, but I won’t ever stand on judgement day and say I sold ANYONE short on the love that I gave to them. My heart overflows at that very fact alone.
So I am still a dreamer, and I will ALWAYS blow wishes even when all someone else sees is weeds.
I will NEVER walk the straight line to anything in my life, and personally I’m ok with that. Somedays, and ONLY somedays, I am going to have to choose boat shoes over cowboy boots no matter HOW much it pains me to do it!
And if I can’t make the choice of either – well I can always slip my feet into this old pair of shoes and wander along my path until I get to where I need to be.
So I promise to never stand in front of you and pretend to KNOW what you are feeling or act like I KNOW what you are going through, but in the same breath please don’t stand in front of me and act like I can’t possibly relate to you because you view my situation based off of what your reading.
We only live ONE time folks….ONE.
There are NO second chances, so I will take every moment, both the good and the bad and embrace them for what they are – Life’s Lesson’s.
& then we pick up what pieces we need to help us as we move forward and WE DO THAT. We trust that God has the wheel, knows the way, and we move forward.
I do what I do because I have a beautiful young lady & two young little men who deserve to know how they SHOULD treat others & in turn how they should be treated!! Since the men to date have not shown themselves worthy enough to set an example, it is my job to show them all that you can overcome even the worst of moments, find strength in the roughest of times, and push through even the grittiest of things thrown at you!
So today I advise each of you to set the past at the foot of your horizon, step over the threshold to your future, and move forward.
Life is patiently waiting…..for you....GO EXPLORE!
Much love and many blessings to each of you! <3