Sometimes Letting Go Hurts Less Than Holding On.......
What happens when you come to a point in your journey when the Lord says, “Take a look around you my child. Be Thankful for the Blessings you have received this far, but it is time to continue on your journey alone. What I have planned for you is so much greater than what you are leaving behind. Fear not, trust me, and I will not forsake you.”
No one ever said when you hit that point that your heart and your mind don’t begin to battle, because the reality is they actually begin the battle of a lifetime. Sometimes your mind already knows what your heart refuses to admit. That what has come to pass is necessary in your journey, and just as the seasons change, so do we as well. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as needed. It is a necessary part of our growth process as we learn who we are and our places in this life.
We don’t ever get to where we are going by staying inside our comfort zones. God knows when we need the changes most, and when to push us outside of our comfort zones so that we can ultimately learn that to TRUST in his process will bring the GREATEST of rewards. We sometimes lose sight of that along the way. We often lose sight of ourselves, and more often than not can’t see the breakthrough that is waiting patiently for us just ahead. In a sense we end up blocking our own blessings because we stand firm in the belief that “We Know Best.”
The reality is that God knows better than any of us, even when we refuse to admit it, or chose to ignore the fact that he is very much a part of our everyday lives, he is at the forefront of all that we are to become. Each step is laid out long before we ever know it is coming. We just have to learn that sometimes you have to trust him enough to let go and know that it will all work out how it is supposed to.
Trusting in the process is sometimes more trying than we care to admit.
Yes, it would be easier to return to a life that was safe, solid, secure, and comforting. One that at one time ultimately made sense. Even though that life was not only blocking the REAL blessings that were waiting patiently for you to have your breakthrough, sometimes it is just time to TRUST God and Follow your own path.
Will it be easy?
No. God never promised easy. He only promised that if you trusted in him, he would not forsake you and your journey would not be in vain.
I adore Joey and Rory Feek more than any two “celebrity type” people I have never met. Their story, their journey, their love for one another, for God, for family, for life in general is something to not only be treasured, but admired for the wholesome beautiful gift that it truly is. If their story has taught us anything, its that if you want what God wants, the end reward is more beautiful than anything any of us could have truly pictured or imagined. His Grace is endless. His Grace is Enough. His Love Unwavering.
I refused to believed in a lot of things after my second divorce. I was badly wounded after leaving the battleground when the smoke cleared. It took days, then months, which turned into years for me to let the scar tissue finally heal over and the light start to creep back into the darkness that had cast a shadow over a lot of my life. I lived solely for the purpose of 3 hearts beating, and there were even days when I felt like I was failing them miserably. Time would move on, and then it wouldn’t, but the fact remained that the world never stopped spinning.
Even still – Something was missing.
Everyone else around me was moving forward, and I was just suspended in time. Waiting. Then I wasn’t sure what it was that I was waiting for. My Momma’ told me that when God was ready, in his timing he would reveal to me why it was so imperative to just trust in him and wait. So I did. Everyone who knows me, well they know waiting has NEVER been my strong suit.
Eventually Spring turned to Summer, which then gave way to Fall, and soon Winter would break. There I was on a random Thursday, in the middle of no-where, looking for absolutely no one, and God goes and puts this gentle soul of a man right smack dab in front of me. That was a year and a half ago, and looking back I can smile knowing that God brought us together knowing we would need one another for very different reasons.
In the months that would come he would learn to rely on my strength, and as the months would pass he would slowly crack open parts of me that only the good Lord could possibly know needed tending to. To say he and the Good Lord softened me right to my soul enough to change my entire outlook on life would be an understatement. To say that he brought me the closest I have ever been to the Lord at a time in my life when no one else would even dare try to get close to me at all; well that would make some chuckle quietly, it isn't a job that was for the weak at heart that is for sure.
God is good like that, he knows our plans long before we do. He can see the bigger picture even when we can’t. He knows the heartache we will feel before we feel it, and what we will choose to do with it when it finally does present itself. He also knows what will happen when we finally wake up one morning and say, “Ok Lord, I’m done. I’m tired of feeling this way. It is time to get it right. You tell my Papaw that I’m gonna’ be alright, and that I am gonna’ see him again. You tell my Grandpa Harm I want blueberry pancakes when I get there. You tell Diana that I miss her and love her, but I am going to get there because we have SO much to talk about! I finally got this LORD. I’m not ashamed anymore because YOU LOVE ME & THAT IS ENOUGH!”
It took a LONG time to get back there. A REALLY LONG TIME. At the time I was 35, 2 divorces under my belt, 3 children by 3 different Dad’s, and I was “Society’s Picture of a Low Life” and my own Father made sure to tell me so as I was packing up to move my Littles and I’s things out of his house. When you get to that moment when your own family members are pitted against you, you start clinging to the ONLY one thing that matters the MOST. At that moment it was my Faith and God. As my Dad was screaming in front of me all I could hear was silence and a voice saying, "Be Still Rebecca, this will also pass." So I was, and since that moment I vowed to NEVER let ANYONE use those things against me EVER again.
No one will EVER make me feel ashamed for the things I have gone through, the journey I have walked or the moments I have endured to get to this very moment. What I needed was my Faith restored in the Lord, GLM brought me back to him, once you get to that point, no one can stand between you and God's Grace or Mercy. His grace is enough, and his mercy everlasting. I had asked for forgiveness for the sins I had committed and my slate was washed clean, I didn't live in the past anymore....and nothing was stopping me from moving forward now.
Believe me, you make the CHOICE to stay stuck or move FORWARD from those things. I made the CHOICE to move forward, I grabbed on to God’s mercy in those moments and I didn’t let go. I held on for dear life, and I was undivided in my belief of his plan for ME. My Dad and I are still on shaky ground, but we move steps in the right direction every single day. I pray daily for us both because I know that we both fall short of God's Plans no matter how hard we try to get it right. We are both stubborn and believe our own way is better, but it is something I work on and strive towards handing over to the Good Lord daily. I forgave because it isn't my burden to carry, and I moved on because I don't live in those past places anymore. The experiences we endure become a part of who we are, but moving on from them is always going to be an essential part of the growing process .
I didn’t do it alone. I was literally terrified. I was standing at a crossroads in my life and nothing was certain. The ground beneath me was shaky at best and I had nothing but Faith and Hope that the rest of it would all work out. That was where GLM came into play. His faith was SO strong that you couldn’t help but believe. It had always been that way the entire time I had been graced with his presence in my life. “BELIEVE REBECCA. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE, AND WHEN YOU WANT TO STOP BELIEVING; PRAY!” SO I DID, and I haven’t stopped.
So here we are today, and it all led up to this, and there will never be a single doubt in my entire mind why GLM was put on my path on a random Thursday in the middle of no-where when I wasn’t even looking for him. He gave me light. Light that I wouldn’t otherwise have had in places that needed it the most. Now I am completely devoted to the Lord in a way that I wasn’t ever in my life before, and I am not ashamed to say that.
As a little girl growing up, when people would find out my Papaw was a Pastor I would always get a raised eyebrow. It was something I learned to be SUPER proud of because of how my Momma's voice sounded when she spoke of him. You could hear the pride in her voice when she would tell someone or introduce Papaw as a Pastor. It wasn't an uncommon thing for her family down South, they were rather accustomed to him and multiple other members of the family being men of the Lord. Members of Momma's family getting together after church to sing and play piano was maybe 2 people short of a full revival most nights. It was the most beautiful thing you could ever experience if you were lucky enough to be a part of it, but we will leave that whole discussion for an entirely other blog.
However, in the most Northern parts of Michigan where my Dad and his brothers happened to grow up, well that was a different story.
How on earth could a Fegan child’s granddaddy preach in a church? Did you know what your Dad and his brothers used to do around these parts? I was doomed before I was ever even thought of because the Fegan Boys were BOYS growing up. Let me just pause and insert an Eye Roll right quick. Well frankly I am also part Lewis child, and it isn’t my fault my Dad and his brothers raised hell as kids. It certainly didn't set some sort of precedent for my brother and I growing up, but it sure didn't stop people from comparing behaviors at the school or in public when they found out our last name.
Papaw used to tell me that my brother and I were really the lucky ones. That my brother and I had roots in the very tip of the North and also in the deep parts of the South so we were never really ever going to be without a place to call home should we choose to roam. Of course neither of us have left the U.P. - I think for us it will just always be home and where our hearts remain no matter how far we do get from here.
My Dad had to have believed in God, either that or God knew that my Dad wouldn’t survive this life without my Momma’. Listening to some of the stories from back when he was growing up, she very well might have been his saving grace and the answer to his prayers. Lucky for my brother and I they did meet before my Dad met an untimely dragster racing type death by car, motorcycle or snowmobile.
Whichever the case may be, God’s grand design brought the two of them together and whether they call me a curse or a blessing, I ended up here. As parents, you never really have plans for your kids other than to create a life for them and to want better for them than you had for yourself. Sometimes life happens, things get in the way, and you get to tell your parents that God's Plan just put you on a detour and even though you aren't quite sure where you are headed at the moment, you are content with where you are going. I honestly believe that is what they hope for, for me and my Littles. A Life where it isn't so rough, where times aren't so hard, the struggles aren't as many, and the hurt doesn't stay as long as it once used to.
I can honestly say that we are there. Each one of us. Each heart is content & over-flowing. Each smile genuine & wholesome. Each of us more thankful than the next as we count our endless blessings each and every single day. It wasn't always this way, and we didn't always talk so openly about the struggles and the hard times. I think that we thought if we just didn't acknowledge them, they would go away. Eventually they did, and the hard times passed, but not before each of us would learn a lesson that would ultimately change our lives forever. A lesson in life that none of us would ever forget, but would learn to be forever grateful for.
I want to tell my ENTIRE story – I also believe that, that is what God wants too.
I also believe that he has finally led me to this crossroad in my life so that GLM and I could part ways. God brought us together and helped the two of us use one another to bring the other closer to him. In the end the journey now becomes one that the two of us need to walk alone. It is time for me to grow as a person, to write my story, and perhaps fulfill what will be my most important legacy. God knew that in order for that to happen, something was going to have to give, and I was going to have to trust him and LET GO even when every fiber of my being was telling me otherwise.
I want what God wants.
Like my Momma' said, "Letting go doesn't mean your paths won't necessarily cross again someday. Everything happens in Gods time. No one can just stop moving forward, we don't know Gods Plan." She always does give the best advice, and more often than not she is usually right. It won't be the first time in my life I have loved someone enough to let them go, and it probably won't be the last time in my life that it happens either.
I know the decision is the right one because there is no anger, no bitterness, no heartache. Only Love. Love and Hope. That where ever he may end up on his path in this life he knows that he was and is truly loved, and at the end of the day he always knows he is "ENOUGH."
That is the very best that any of us can really truly hope for. That and that each of us can TRULY learn to love and want what God wants for our lives. Life never stops. Time doesn't stop moving, and as long as we are living and breathing no one should just STOP living. We are gifted only SO much time, never waste a single moment of it folks.
So with one chapter closing and another beginning, we truly learn a lesson about the fact that sometimes, well sometimes it just hurts less to let go than it does to hang on.....